There are so many joys of being a parent to a toddler…but losing your privacy and the ability to enjoy a leisurely pit stop in the bathroom (without an audience) is definitely not one of them.

So for every parent who has ever been rudely interrupted by their toddler ‘mid-stream’ or who has taken to bribing said child with snacks or an iPad for just five minutes’ alone time on ‘the best seat in the house’, this one’s for you…

Can I please just poo in peace?

.

If you have a toddler,

who walks or can crawl,

then using the bathroom

is no fun at all.

.

When all that they want

is to be by your side;

there’s nowhere to run,

and nowhere to hide…

.

Before having kids,

this room was a place,

for brushing your teeth

and washing your face.

.

For deep relaxation

in hot steamy showers

and candle-lit baths, that

could last for hours.

.

Or even just chilling out,

sitting alone,

just doing your ‘business’

while checking your phone.

.

But now, with a toddler,

it’s just not the same,

‘cos using the toilet’s

now more of a game.

.

Where you run and hide,

and daren’t make a sound,

while trying to finish

before being found.

.

Each day it will happen;

you’re hit by the urge,

to disappear off

for a quick bathroom splurge.

.

So you pull out the iPad

and leave them to play,

while (just like a ninja)

you tiptoe away…

.

To silently sit on

your ceramic throne,

just hoping you might steal

a moment alone…

.

But then you hear footsteps

outside on the floor,

and a strange creepy scratching

on your bathroom door…

.

Soon followed by banging

and loud high-pitched cries,

as the loo door flies open

and they burst inside…

.

To catch in the act,

with a smile or a frown,

one poor pooing parent,

with their trousers down.

.

But do they then leave you?

By heck, not a chance!

They mostly just stare,

in some weird toilet trance.

.

As you’re forced to finish

in an unwelcome rush,

as your dignity disappears

down with the flush.

.

So take note, new parents;

if they’ve not learnt to knock,

I’d invest in a baby gate,

and a new bathroom lock.

***

I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s poem! If you’ve ever experienced this situation yourself, or know any other parents who dream of having just five minutes of privacy for a rare uninterrupted poo, then please do share this on Facebook to help spread the love!

And for more from me, you can stay in touch with YOU THE DADDY via Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest and Facebook.