After months of writing about the perks of pregnancy and all the things I’m looking forward to about being a dad, my pregnant wife suggested I take a different approach this week, by writing instead about all the less appealing things that come with growing a baby; AKA all the gross stuff that ‘what to expect’ books conveniently miss out.
So to spare your (and her) blushes and avoid going into (too many) graphic details, let me fill you in, through the medium of poetry. And before you ask, this post has been signed off by the wife, albeit reluctantly…
Oh, and if my parents or in-laws are reading this (or, indeed, anyone with a weak ticker), click away now…this poem isn’t for you!
The gross side of pregnancy
A poem for first time dads, by YOU THE DADDY
***
To be pregnant
can seem such a beautiful thing,
full of happiness, ‘glowing’
and tummy rubbing.
“Woohoo, no more periods
for 9 months or more!”
“No diets!”, “free foot rubs!”
and “ice cream galore!”
.
But what all the Apps
have negated to share,
is all the most gross stuff
you’ll soon have to bear.
See, so much you read
seems through rose tinted glasses,
but I’ll share the truth;
so hold onto your arses…
.
From wetting herself
(and the living room floor)
to bashing her bump
on the frame of the door,
that ‘glow’ isn’t quite
as it first may appear;
“Oh no, it’s just sweat,
after vomming, my dear.”
.
They warn how she might grow
new hairs on her belly
but not how her farts
will become extra smelly.
Or how she’ll go days
without passing a poo,
while her weak bladder makes her
a slave to the loo.
.
They tell you her feet
and her ankles might swell
but forget to inform
that her vadge might as well!
On the plus side you’ll notice
her boobs will inflate,
but who knew at month six
they’d start to lactate?!
.
Or how random moles,
they might triple in size,
while severe lack of sleep
will leave bags ‘neath her eyes,
as now every bed time
turns into a race,
before your ‘sweet snoring’
makes her punch your ‘sweet face’.
.
They advise, “Take a bath,
to relax and unwind!”
But tubs aren’t that simple
I think you might find,
as while getting in,
may seem like a cinch,
to get her out safely?
You’d best find a winch!
.
They said she’ll feel sexy,
though she feels like a barge,
who wears two pads daily
for that extra discharge.
Who replaces sweet nothings
with long drawn out rants
and swaps her French knickers
for big granny pants.
.
But in spite of these changes,
while most unappealing,
they’ll soon fade completely
to a new special feeling.
As when all’s said and done,
come push, pain and whine,
you’ll soon meet a baby
that you both can call “mine”.
***
Just 6 weeks and 5 days to go!
So have I missed anything out? Did you or your other half experience anything particularly gross and unexpected, that you don’t mind sharing publicly (in the interests of parental education)? As always, don’t be shy…come share your stories with the Group via the comments section below!
And for more daily updates, you can also stay in touch with YOU THE DADDY via Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest and Facebook.
Ah, I knew I had seen this one somewhere before! Definitely looking forward to the post-birth follow up! Thanks for linking with #FabFridayPost
This is fabulous! Very funny and too true haha x #fabfridaypost
Fabulous!! I always bumped my belly on the door frame!! Sarah #FabFridayPost
Very good 🙂
I’d probably have to add something about pelvis falling apart and waddling like a duck.
Thanks for joining #chucklemums
Author
Maybe I’ll have to do a second version!!
Haha! Yes, so many downsides! I have to admit that I got off pretty lightly on most of them. But I was sick all day every day for 8 months so swings & roundabouts! You’ll be able to do a follow up for all the things they don’t tell you about the post birth period! Not long now for you!
Thanks so much for joining us on #FridayFrolics. Hope to see you next time!
Ah this is a great poem! Now, I’m not admitting to this, alright? This DID NOT happen to me. But swollen lady parts….I imagine they’re really not much fun and quite a bloody shock, actually. Like I said though guv, not my experience. Cough. Looking forward to news of the arrival! Thanks for linking with #Chucklemums, hope to see you next week 🙂 xx
Author
Totally…never happened. Cough x
Loved this.
The only thing worse than being pregnant was having a newborn.
Hahaha they’re alright now though 😉 #chucklemums
Author
Oh joy of joys…oodles to look forward to this winter! Thanks for commenting! X
Ah,,,take me back. Ugh. I had a phase of pillow flinging in my sleep. I think it should be an Olympic sport, frankly, I got quite good at it. Mind you, cost me a fortune in bedside lamps.
Author
hahaha – a rather expensive habit indeed! Thanks for your (highly topical) comment!!!
Great poem! Not long to go till you can meet your bundle of joy Then all the horrible side effects will be gone!!
Oh this is brilliant!! Very well said and made me chuckle, and also reminded me why I should stick at two 😉 . I think we need to print this out and the NHS should hand it out at the first midwife appt! 🙂 #FridayFrolics
Love it! This is being shown to my bro in law tomorrow, hes going through exactly this right now. I laughed out loud brilliantly done #FridayFrolics
It’s coming round quick now. Loved the winch bit. I spent most of both my pregnancies in the bath, It was the only place I could get comfortable! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics
Great poem! And you are right about the stinky farts! And regularly too! Haha They do tend to sweet gloss the pregnancy don’t they. Thank you so much for joining us on #FabFridayPost
Fab post! Good luck!!!
#FridayFrolics
I can definitely relate to some of these. Brilliant poem! #FabFridayPost
This is absolutely brilliant and spot on! I can totally relate to that pregnancy glow being formed by just sweat alone. The knicker section too, yes yes yes. Comfort over style when you have a beach ball attached to your front. I love how you rounded it off though, really made me smile. Beautifully written #fridayfrolics
Author
Thanks so much! Xx
Hahah this made me laugh out loud!! So glamorous isn’t it?! God we deserve a medal the things we go through, good job these babies are worth it! #fridayfrolics